trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
