I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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