Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
