some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
