that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Couch. On fire.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
