Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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