You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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