my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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