Swine flu. Run for my life!
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
