Quick, to the slutcave!
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
