not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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