My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
my poor anus
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
