Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
