weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
