I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
