Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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