just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I've blown a few things in my day
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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