I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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