Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
