i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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