I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm passing your future prison.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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