anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
