ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
