i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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