the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
