this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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