I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She's the barista slut.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize