Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
