If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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