I just threw up on my dentist
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
