I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
