Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
