Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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