if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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