Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
