i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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