Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just gargled with NyQuil
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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