I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
