I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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