He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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