I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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