I can text with my tongue
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
