Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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