While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
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Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
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If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
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