I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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