Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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