I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
