It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
