Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
