My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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