My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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