Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
