then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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