you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
