I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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