So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Couch. On fire.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
