I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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