I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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