i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
